Wednesday, August 15, 2007

The World According To Wyatt

If Wyatt could give you rules for life, I suspect these would be his top 40 hits:

1. If it's open, you must close it.

2. If it's closed and you want it opened, grunt and do the sign for please until someone helps you.

3. If a container has a lid, you must hold the lid.

4. If you can get the lid and the container, that's a bonus! Make sure to put the lid on, take the lid off, put the lid on, take the lid off, repeat, repeat for at least 10 minutes.

5. If you know where your mommy keeps your sippy cups, make sure to open that drawer and pull them out onto the floor at least twice a day. Also, rule #4 applies, so make sure to take advantage of the situation you've created. AND you should pretend to drink from each cup after it's assembled.

6. If you hear a dishwasher open, drop whatever you're doing and book it to the kitchen.

7. If you get to the dishwasher while it's still open, grab all your spoons and play with them.

8. When your mommy says, "it's time to put your spoons away", shake your head no and move quickly in the opposite direction.

9. When you have to put the spoons back - because you always do - at least act excited because guess what? Now rule #1 applies and you get to help close the dishwasher.

10. If your house seems quiet, just open the door to the shoe cabinet and bang it against the metal panel under the front window. Cool noise!

11. When your mommy tells you to close the cabinet door and leave it closed, move on to the front door. Just stand and bang both hands against it. Also a cool noise!

12. If you want to read a specific book, it's best to pull them all off the bookshelf and spread them out so you can find the one you're looking for.

13. If you haven't seen the dog for awhile, she's probably resting in her bed and needs you to chase her a little.

14. Grass is kind of prickly and squishy at the same time - walk on it with trepidation or not at all. Sometimes it's better to stick to the sidewalk.

15. Afternoon naps are for sissies. Take a long morning one and if your mom won't give you that, do NOT reward her by taking a long afternoon one. Do not waiver on this policy! She will eventually come around to your way of doing things.

16. Keep the parents guessing re: food. If you eat a lot of something one day, make sure to turn up your nose and spit it out the next few times it's offered.

17. When you get in your Cozy Coupe, make sure you close the door and kick back to relax a little; that's what it's for.

18. Memorize your favorite books so you can do the actions a page before your parents read about them.

19. If your mom is laying on the floor stretching, you should move as fast as you can to tackle her. She'll really like it, I swear.

20. If you see your stroller being taken outside, don't risk it! Plant yourself by the door and whine while signing 'please' until you get strapped in.

21. Moms need practice putting shoes on you, so make sure to take your shoes off as soon as you're not walking on them. This means that if you walk to the car, you should start kicking off your shoes while you're getting strapped into your seat.

22. If you go to your friend's house to play, you should ignore the part where your mom tells you to say hi to your friend and head straight for their toys. You never know when you're going to have to leave and you have to maximize your time with the cool stuff.

23. When your mom asks if you're ready for your bath, head for the stairs because the bath is up there.

24.When you're getting your diaper changed, make sure you try to escape at least twice (preferably just after you've made your mom think you're actually going to stay still. As if you'd ever do that!).

25. Water always tastes better out of your parents' cup than it does out of your own. Fight for a sip of the good stuff every time you see it.

26. You should identify every fan and every light you see. Like this: "a dan! a dan!" or "a dy! a dy!" Make sure you are pointing, are loud and are vigorous and ensure everyone around you acknowledges the fan or the light. Don't ever let your guard down - you must point out every single one. Please note: the same fan from a different perspective might look like a different fan; therefore, you must identify it twice!

27. If you see a ball or anything that resembles a ball (this includes balloons, signs, placards, etc.) you must loudly identify these as well. Like this: "a dah! a dah!" and don't stop until your mom acknowledges you. If you see a whole container of balls (like they have at Toys'R'Us), don't let any of them go unidentified! Make sure you point at every single one.

28. If your mom sings the first three notes of, "If You're Happy and You Know It", go ahead and start clapping. That comes next anyway.

29. If you hear clapping on tv, you should join in.

30. If you see someone you know - or anyone else, for that matter - getting in their car and leaving, you should wave. It's just the polite thing to do.

31. Brown Bear, Brown Bear cannot be read too many times in one sitting. If your parent acts like it's the end, fake a cry and give the sign for 'please' until they start over at the beginning.

32. If you want your mom to pick you up, just attach yourself to her legs - even if she's walking! She will eventually have to pick you up. Also, if she's standing somewhere and you can't get in front of her, start by running into her legs from behind and then worm your way between her legs and the cabinets, for instance, so that she has to look you in the eye when she says she's not picking you up right now. At least that will make her feel more guilty. And a lot of times you end up getting to sit on the counter.

33. When in doubt, point, grunt or sign 'please'. These three together are very powerful. Use them often!

34. When your mom tells you to say, "thank you", just laugh but definitely don't sign or say anything!

35. If you pass a dog bowl that has either food or water in it, you should definitely put your hands in.

36. If you take food out of the dog's bowl and get caught, just pretend like you're hand-feeding the dog. If she's not nearby, you'll have to go looking for her with the food in your hands! She'll really appreciate your effort, though.

37. The dog really prefers your food. Make sure you "accidentally" feed her a portion of every meal. And cover yourself by saying, "uh oh" after you do it. And sometimes (because you don't want the dog to think life's too easy) you should make her stand on her hind legs to get whatever it is you're offering.

38. If you see a camera pointing at you, smile.

39. Identify every dog you see. Even if you see little ones all over your pajamas, make sure to point out every single one.

40. When your diaper is off, you need to use the opportunity to make sure your 'goods' are still there. You just never know.

41. No meal is complete until you've smeared it through your hair.

What? That's more than forty? Give the kid a break! He's only one and doesn't know how to count yet. Tough crowd...


Ade said...

Laughing uncontrolably! I do remember some of these "rules" in Jack's world! Oh the things to look forward to again! By the way...Cranky McFuserton (sp?) has lead to little "Sir Grunts A Lot" at our house (Charlie).

Mom said...

Thanks for the hilarious glimpse into Wyatt's daily activities. No wonder he and mom are tired at the end of the day. Can't wait to see him again.

The Thomas Crew said...

Glad to be back home so I can read your page and finally update mine. So funny, Steph!

The Thomas Crew said...

Glad to be back home so I can read your page and finally update mine. So funny, Steph!

susan said...

Good boy, Wyatt. It sounds as though he's read, and fully understands, the Toddler Credo!

The Blake Family said...

This is hilarious! I would love to be a fly on your wall during the day! He sounds like a smart little boy...he's definitely figured things out!

Aunt Sharon said...

Some things just never change! Those were almost exactly the same rules by which my three operated. . .quite a long time ago, actually. The twins will kill me if I tell you how MANY years ago! Anyway, glad you are keeping your sense of humor--that is a mom's single most crucial attribute, I think! Love keeping up with you guys and Wyatt this way!