I met you today at WalMart; I was the one searching for baby sunscreen and you were the one circling the display. I noticed you kind of laughing as my son reached for the endcap and attempted to knock down all the Coppertone. You see, I was distracted while reading the ingredients statements. I mean, is Baby Coppertone the same as Baby Banana Boat? And what about Baby Aveeno? You can see how it would be difficult and all-consuming to compare oxycilisalitenzone* to octobenzinoniton*, right? And doesn't anyone make sunscreen without chemicals I can't pronounce?
Anyway, it kind of startled me when you asked me if that was all the sunscreen or had I maybe seen some somewhere else in the store. For one thing, can't you look at me and tell I'm not a local? Please tell me I didn't quite blend in with that crowd. And also, I was startled because when I looked at you, I wouldn't have pegged you for a sunscreen aficionado given your leathery face and dark tone. So I was momentarily perplexed. At the same time, I was trying to calculate your age - I'd guess late 20s? Which is sad, because your skin looks more like my Grandma's and she's 86 (though she's very careful about the sun, which is more than I can say for you). Indeed, I was confused about your query. But then you cleared it right up when you quickly added, "I need something for the tanning bed!"
Thanks for ending my confusion.
*or something like that
P.S. Dear Readers, Let it be known that I don't fit in down here (and by down here, I mean this close to the base). I don't tan, I don't smoke, I don't chew, I'm not carrying at least 40 extra pounds on my frame and I don't regularly use "ain't" or any other double negatives in a sentence. I think might be having some relocation adjustment issues. If you notice me starting to fall into any of the above patterns, please stage an intervention. Immediately.